The Mental Near Death Experience

Yesterday I had a mental near death experience. Did I actually almost die? In hindsight, no, but in that moment, it was the first time in my waking, physical life where the story was present that the end could be minutes away.

After receiving a full beautiful day in the garden being enchanted by the fruiting trees, the colorful hummingbirds and the buzzing bees, I was completely enthralled in the love I feel for nature.

In the late afternoon, as I was sitting in the grass on the phone with a dear sister, a curiosity about the plant in front of me stirred.

This plant looked much like a carrot and in my enamored state I wondered, how did a sweet baby carrot find it’s way into the garden?

Plant education 101, if you don’t know what it is, don’t put it in your mouth. I gave the leaves a little rub and smelled them and the aroma wasn’t so strong. So, I picked off an edge of the leaf and put it in my mouth, chewing, and swallowed.

I couldn’t place it, so I opened a plant identifier app and turned ghost white from what I read…

“Poison Hemlock. Ingestion of any part of poison hemlock will have severe repercussions, even if only a tiny amount is consumed…targets the nervous systems…symptoms will appear within an hour of ingestion and include muscle pain and/or weakness, loss of speech…unconsciousness…severe cases can result in kidney or respiratory failure, long term damage to the nervous system and muscles and death.”

I took more pictures, different angles, different websites and apps and kept receiving the same information. Other sites said it could onset anywhere between 15 minutes and several hours (thank you, internet), but all had the same tone of, even when ingested in very small amounts can be deadly and that it is most toxic in early Spring, which is where we are in the Southern Hemisphere.

Mid sentence I interrupted this dear sister with a, ‘Please excuse me for interrupting, but I am in a bit of a situation.”

This is a moment where I felt thankful for some of the light aspects of 20 years of bulimia and the ability to purge on command in an instant. I trigger vomited and within minutes had diarrhea. This body being so incredibly intelligent that it knew to purge out this substance as soon as it could.

I did what any person who grew up in the age of the internet would do, I started Googling.

Potential illness 101, when in this kind of situation, stop Google searching. Now, post situation, I remember that every time I have even the mildest something going on, the internet will tell me it is probably fatal.

Really? After everything I’ve done in my life, it’s a poisonous weed that is going to do me in?

While she researched, I sat and ran through my options. Do I call my family and tell them? Do I go to the ER in Peru? Do I write a letter? After all of the crazy shit I’ve lived to tell about in my life, is this how it ends?

After the initial moments of panic and disassociation, having the reminders on the other end to breathe, stay calm and stay present landed deep within me.

I came back into my body and checked in with how to move forward. I went outside, offered tobacco to the land and prayed. Sitting in the grass, feeling the Earth beneath me, feeling her heart beat in rhythm with mine I felt a wave of calm rush through me.

The gratitude I feel for this Earth, this land, this community and these absolutely magical and powerful Apus is beyond measure.

After putting a note out to the community group, I received numerous notes asking if I needed support with reassuring offerings and 2 people that brought me activated charcoal within 15 minutes and kept me company until enough time past that I trusted fully it was going to be ok.

After four hours, I felt 90% confident that this was not going to be the end of my physical existence. I invited a fire into the cottage I live in and offered tobacco with prayers of gratitude, love and trust.

This opportunity to be consciousness in form and experience life in such a vast way is truly a gift.

These reminders from life to be open, but discerning; enamored with life, but aware; trusting, but watchful and always always always, walking slowly with presently, eyes and ears wide open.  Even the smallest aspects of nature are to be treated with respect.