Martyr Musings and stained t-shirts from 2021…

As I continue to remember and reflect on past experiences, it’s been fascinating to use my words as a reference point for my own deconditioning process.

My profile in Human Design is that of a 1/3, the Investigator Martyr. I am here to enter into experiences that feel correct for me and find out what doesn’t work. My 3rd line body is incredibly resilient and I will never believe you if you tell me something won’t work, I have to find out for myself and I have to find out why it doesn’t work.

Investigating and experimenting with Human Design has helped me tremendously as I’m no longer initiating these experiences, but when something invites me and it feels correct for me to enter in, I am completely open to whatever lesson is going to come through the experience.

Suffice it to say, I’ve experienced my fair share of messiness in all ways in this life and I wouldn’t have it any other way…

‘You can’t wear that, it has a stain!!’ Says my mind as I pull out a white t-shirt adorned with proof that it has been worn by a live human. Knowing myself and how I tend to get a little messy, I normally avoid buying light colored clothing because inevitably, the first time I wear it it will bear a reminder of what I ate that day, what I dropped on myself or how I fell on my ass.

Now I sit in my new sleeping clothes that are some shade in between white and beige and I watch my reaction as they receive their first marks, black ash from the fire I’ve brought to life. This time, instead of feeling ashamed or upset that I’ve ruined my clothes, I’m questioning why we have this adverse reaction to wearing clothes that are marked?

I have watched many a time as my clothes become stained by something which I know, no matter how much I scrub or what I put on it, it will always be there to remind me. Now I’m wondering, what’s wrong with a little reminder?

As we all get dressed for our days, we have societal pressure to wear clothes that are ironed, free of marks and fitted to ‘perfection,’ but is that mirroring how you feel? I feel far from free of marks or ironed and I’m coming to realize I don’t mind how I dress reflecting as such.

There’s something about everything being in alignment. In reality, I’ve been in some very messy situations and experiences in my life and I don’t want to ever completely remove the marks. They are teachers, reminders of what this life has shown and taught me. Reminders of how resilient this body is and how much I have grown through. They are reminders that whenever something gets messy, to see it as an opportunity to continue to grow and strengthen awareness.

This isn’t a time to dump a bunch of bleach on the mark, erase it and pretend it never happened. Does putting chemicals on our ‘problems’ actually make them go away?

Here I sit at 34 and I’m a little wrinkly, definitely a bit stained and one of my favorite pairs of pants has a massive hole in the crotch that my body just doesn’t seem to want to get repaired. I appreciate the reminders that I am both flawed and perfect all at the same time.